Just finally getting over being sick with a cold.... Holidays were amazingly good and I didn't hold myself back from eating so for that aspect it wasn't good but I had fun so I give myself permission to have a setback.
Anyway... today went well and even though I had a rough time this morning getting my son to take his nap cause he wasn't feeling well and finally after he had some baby tylenol and I rocked him to sleep he finally went down for his nap.... I checked my email and I get updates on anything new with Coco Chanel. The Spring 2012 makeup line is out and it's awesome! But I watched the Runway show for the first time since I don't have time to keep up to date with it as much as I used to... I was absolutely thunderstruck with love.
By the end of the day my husband reminds me that my father is actually really coming over in the evening.... He hasn't stopped by our house in about 8 months and I haven't seen him but 2 times since then and to make things even more nerve-wrecking he was supposed to come over 2 days ago but was a no-show and I called him twice that day with no answer.... but the day before he talked to my husband that he is coming over. So, I get all freaked out trying to clean the house, take care of our son during the day... the usual routine of stress but trying to be excited at the same time worried that he might not really come over.... Finally, he's over, and we're all having a great time. I made steak and it turned out perfectly medium rare which they both liked, I ate a bowl of soup.
DAY WENT GREAT... and I'm still in shock that just about as soon as my Dad left everything went terribly wrong. I still don't understand what happened.
I started talking to my husband about Christianity because I'm new to it and I've been reading the Bible a lot trying to make up for lost time but he's been raised a Christian his whole life. I was asking him some questions about what's "wrong" and what's "okay"... it's way more complex than this but I especially from the violent outburst it created, I don't want to get into it.
It was simply me trying to honestly ask a question and next thing I knew I heard glass shattering on the floor in the hallway. I cringed knowing he smashed his beer bottle on purpose. I know we weren't drunk or anything because we only lightly drank with our meal. But his anger grew out of control and he reacted impulsively.
My biggest fear was that our son was now unable to crawl or walk anywhere in the house since there was broken glass right in the part where all the rooms connect in the house. He was tired and ready for bed so he was fidgeting and not wanting to be held either.
I argued that I didn't understand why he did that... and he yelled about that I "don't let him talk" and this is a re-occurring argument that he accuses me of so it's very frustrating and I don't know what to do about it. If it was a problem that I could somehow consciously work on, I would. Believe me. Nothing matters more to me that to make this relationship work and not have my son have split parents. I come from a family where my father cheated on my mother before I was even born. I have never seen my parents hug or even give each other a handshake there is so much animosity towards the other. I never want my son to go through that.
But I seriously don't know what I did wrong or how to make it right. I was honestly trying to understand the religion and he always accuses me of asking too many questions all at once and that he'll have to answer them at another time.... which only just makes me feel like he doesn't know how to answer them and that he doesn't care that much to fill me in. That it isn't really a priority that I understand.
I feel like if the religion is to be taken seriously then it should be a priority that his loved ones understand how to get to heaven. I'm SO CONFUSED!
But the worst part of all is that I laid on the bed and tears were quietly slipping out of my eyes and I made a silent prayer that if he really didn't mean what he said about us "having" to live separately.... that if he was really sorry he would say so and say that he didn't mean it and was just mad. But he never did, and WORST OF ALL I HEARD WHAT SOUNDED LIKE BROKEN GLASS BEING MESSED WITH AND YEP i GOT UP AND MY 14 MONTH OLD SON WAS TRYING TO PLAY WITH THE BROKEN GLASS IN THE TRASH CAN!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, my husband had just been sitting on the bed next to me the whole time hearing it too and not doing anything.
I'm seriously freaked out right now. I don't know why he couldn't control his anger, why he didn't care about the consequence of endangering our son enough to hold back from breaking the bottle, why he didn't apologize, why he didn't rush to stop our son from getting into the broken glass and just kept sitting there.
I'm obligated at this point to remember when my son was a few months old and we got into an argument where he grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the wall. I cried while I breastfed my son in the dark in his room and held him after he fell asleep for over an hour out of fear of leaving him or leaving the room alone.
Up until now, I had forgotten and forgiven that time... but I'm really not cool with this shit at all.
I yelled back at him after he mentioned that we should live separately that I didn't get his behavior that just yesterday he's all telling me how much he loves me and today it's that we're not going to work out...
I feel like I'm living a lie everyday when he kisses me, tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me when something so simple and not that big of a deal makes him flip out uncontrollably and say we have to split up.
It feels like that's what he really wants and he's just lying to me everyday trying to hard to force things to work out. I feel super unloved and unwanted now. I feel like he just bullshits this relationship.
My whole entire relationship is a house of cards. Any simple wind would crash this shit, it's just a matter of time.
